I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
