What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
