i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
