So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
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had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
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Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
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