Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Randomize
