I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
