I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Quick, to the slutcave!
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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