If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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