I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
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