Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
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