I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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