I haven't been this sober since birth.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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