WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
her facebook's as public as her vagina
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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