Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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