Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Randomize
