ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
