I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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