My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
