Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
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