Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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