i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
