i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize
