my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Randomize
