i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Randomize
