oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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