good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
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