hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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