I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
