You smell like a Billy Joel song
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Holy sore nipples Batman
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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