My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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