I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
we made out on top of his cat.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Randomize
