how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Randomize
