1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize
