why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
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