i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize