There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
