I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
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