god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
