mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
