A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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