Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
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So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
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There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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