if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
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