What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
