Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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