He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
