I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
