My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
