Do you still have your period?
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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