I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
