Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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