i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Randomize
