What did we do last night that was yellow?
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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