fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
