You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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