I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
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