They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
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