I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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