I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
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I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
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For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
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