It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
