I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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